People Who Wait For G-d’s Timing are Never Sorry They Did

22 Jul

Some people find chizuk from dating gurus– I found mine from a Devout Christian living in Southeast Asia:

Personally, I think I have the perfect wife, the best I could have ever found. My mother once told me I could have searched the world over and not found a better wife than Diane. When your mother talks like that you know you have found someone quite special. Obviously, I agree.

But is Diane the only woman I could have married who would have been a good choice for me? Am I the only man in the world who was “the choice” for her? If so, what would have happened if one of us had resisted God’s will to marry the other? Think about where that kind of reasoning leads you and you will soon realize that there must be a better way to understand the will of the Lord concerning the person we choose to marry…

 

 

To continue reading this incredibly insightful article by Mike Constantine, follow the link below. I know this piece has brought me, and continues to bring me, a sense of peace and trust in myself, in Hashem and in the possibility of finding “the best possible person” to be my husband and becoming the “best possible person” for him too. I hope by sharing it that others can find additional chizuk as well.

http://intermin.org/en/CFL/enCFL4.html

Quote for Thought: Gone is Gone

28 Dec

If you’re missing me, I want you to know that I am not missing you. Gone is gone. I never miss anything or anyone because it all becomes a lovely memory. I guard my memories and love them, but I don’t get in them and lie down. You can even make stories from yours but they don’t come back. Just think how awful it would be if they did. You don’t need me now. You’re…old enough to get busy at growing up to be the person you want to be.

– Ole Golly, Harriet the Spy

Isn’t it amazing how children’s literature has some of the best mind fodder out there? It amazes me. Why perilously pour over the complexities of Homer or the woefulness of Hawthorne if you can get solid, applicable advice from Harriet the Spy? Just saying.

And it is from Louise Fitzhugh’s Harriet the Spy that I bring to you an outstanding piece of chizuk. The above quote is what I think should be the experienced dater’s creed. For those of us who haven’t found the RD in the first, second, third (fourth, fifth…must I go on?) person we’ve dated, the whole experience can be a bit disheartening at times. It’s not even the one-and-dones that are bothersome, or even the two-and-dones. Some matches are just not meant to be. However, once you’ve gone out a few more times than that…you start to get to know the person, you let them get to know you and even have a few inside jokes…you start hoping for the best. And whether it’s you who ends it or them, there is disappointment involved. The broken-up-with is left hurt and the break-upper is left with the guilt of causing that hurt (and will always have to live with the knowledge that they ended the relationship). No one wins, my friends. Not in the short-term.

But in the long-term, you have to believe that you are a winner. You formed a relationship with that person for a reason. It may not be clear why right away, but you must believe that it started and ended for the best. In the above quote, Ole Golly, Harriet’s most trusted confidante and nanny since her birth, tells her the hardest thing a person could hear: I’m not missing you. Despite the numerous, incalculable days they spent together, their time is up. Those days are gone. Gone is gone. The relationship will never be the same and that is just the way it is.

The memories though…those remain. Ole Golly guards them and loves them but does not get in them and lie down. Memories of a past relationship can be remembered fondly. They can be retrieved with esteem and admiration, but they won’t bring the relationship back. The relationship is over for a reason, though you may not understand why. The bottom line is, that person realized that thy don’t need you now–and you don’t need them. Whether intentionally or not, they freed you to be the person you want to be, whom you will be able to be with your RD, please G-d.

So my fellow RD Searchers, do not fret. Don’t let lovely memories become catalysts of sorrow. Appreciate them for what they are. Take them out every once in a while, smile with them and then put them away. G-d gave you that experience for a certain amount of time because that is all you needed. Now He’s giving you the opportunity to learn from them, grow some more and make yourself ready for the next person. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect, but bhsaa tova, Hashem will bring you to the person who will mutually feel that a life together is perfect in a way that the dictionary definition of perfection could never defend.

Mistakes

7 Dec

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made mistakes.

Too hasty of a decision.

Too quick of a judgement.

In hindsight, it’s all too easy to heap the blame–

On myself.

To say I wasn’t patient enough.

Wasn’t wise enough.

Wasn’t ready enough.

But there’s nothing I can do at this point except learn,

And relearn.

And accept, “Till this moment, I never knew myself.”

The Best Part: Chapter 2

6 Oct

“It took a long time for you to notice me,” Shmu teased his new fiancée as they strolled down to the Western Wall. “There were times I was sure I had not a measly chance of  capturing your attention.”

“I thought we already had this discussion,” Shifra sighed. “I noticed you first, but I was sure you thought I was a total ditz…”

Shifra was proving herself to be a master USBG advisor. No longer than three hours into the night, she and her USBGer, Libby, were best buds. She even convinced Libby to take a part in one of the skits– something that Libby never really did allegedly.

Yup, I’m in my element. Shifra prodded her pride. And the fact that there are eligible bachelors present is even better.

There was no beating around the bush– Shifra was looking for Mr. Right. Though seminary had praised and lauded the formal shidduch system, she had her own ideas of how she was going to meet the One. Simply going on a blind date was nowhere near the wondrous epic she had in mind for her love story. In her 19-year old head there was no way she could choose a life partner in such a dry and predictable way. It had to be a surprise. That way there’d be no doubt that it was Hashem that brought them together.

Despite her lofty labyrinth of dreams, she understood that she had to do something to meet Mr. Right, so she put herself in the “right” place and started scouting out potentials. The choices were overwhelming. Guys from New York, LA, Chicago and Miami were all under the same roof, dedicated to the same cause. There were even guys from other countries–besides Canada! 

Blithely bouncing from her felicity, she barely saved herself from smashing into her carpool companion from earlier that day as he brought a tray of fully dressed chickens from the kitchen. 

“Whoa! Sorry, Shmu.” She offered her apologies instantaneously. 

He gave her nothing more than an uncomfortable glance then continued on to the dining area.

Shifra shrugged, then headed back to her table full of USBGers. Yet when she got there she was surprised to find only two of them. Sigh. Another bathroom trip? 

“Hey girlies!!!” She sang as she swung the door open. “I miss you out there!

They responded in giggle and gaggles and a few OMGs, but eventually they agreed to get back out there and finish their soup before it got cold.

“Wait!” one girl exclaimed before the pack made their exit, “You gotta fix your skirt, Shifra. It stuck in your tights.”

Her skirt and confidence were pulled down in the same sharp pull. If her skirt was sticking out in the bathroom, it must have been greeting the world before when she was in the hallway. In front of everybody.

It’s a good thing that I caught it before you left the bathroom!”

Shifra gave her biggest smile, hoping it would cover up the red in her cheeks. Now she understood the look Shmu gave her. Oh man…, she paled, cross that one off my list of potentials. She had never been so embarrassed in her life. How could she ever face him again knowing that he could’ve seen such an atrocious sight? Would she be able to talk to him normally? Would he look at her normally? The best and only solution was to stay out of his way as much as possible. Right then and there she knew that she wasn’t going to get to know Shmu Warren. 

Shmu never noticed.


 

The Spark

26 Sep

All my life, I have had the felicitous impression of marriage thanks to my parents. I’ve heard the story of how they met, how it kind of just happened. They met through a friend, my father ‘just knew’ and a year down the line they were on their way to matrimonial happiness. Now, I know my parents didn’t live in a fairy tale world. Like other couples they had to put in quality/quantity time. I grew up knowing that their time together was important; that their relationship with each is important and is the reason I grew up in a home of shalom. But now that it’s my turn to go looking for my partner in life, I have to realize that not all people have their zivug pop into their lives one day. Some people have to go looking for their match. Some people don’t have the Spark instantaneously.

The Spark.

That gosh-forsaken-trouble-making-twinkle-in-your-eye-for-a-mere-second Spark.

You can have everything in the world in common with the person sipping a Caramel Macchiato  across from you. You can jive well and be going in the same direction and laugh at each others jokes…but the spark aint there. Is that a reason to amiably part ways or does it pay to keep going out?

On the other hand, there are times when the Spark is there immediately. You feel like you’ve met the last person you’ll ever have to date; you’re sailing through the effervescence of silly little love songs. There’s no slowing you down…until you do. Wait, s/he wears Velcro shoes? Outside? S/he could care less about the effects of Obamacare? Suddenly you’re not so sure anymore. Spark shmark. It would’ve been nice to have known each other on a more casual level before lallygagging into Disney World together.

So you see, I don’t know how I feel about the spark. Is it something caused by our preconceived notions of what is best for us or is it something inexplicably real? Is it something to be trusted or something that should be considered a sweet bonus if found?

 

Why Racquetball Rocks

9 Sep

10) You get to wear goggles

9) You get to use a racquet

8 ) You get to hit a little blue ball as hard as you can

7) This is a great way to relieve stress

6) Racquetball courts eerily resemble the “Wonkavision” room 

5) It is really hard to lose the ball when you are locked in from every angle

4) It is one of the few activities I am ambidextrous in (I can also write on a chalk board with both hands)

3) Aim is not of utmost importance

2) Everybody has their space (which is really handy when you are an observant girl in a secular college)

1) Ducking flying objects becomes a sixth sense

I Have a Confession to Make…

6 Sep

Okay, I know this might seem shocking so if you don’t take change well, you might have to sit down.

With a seat belt.

Though the entire premise of this blog has been about dating in the Jewish world, I have come to the realization that I just don’t have enough to say about dating to replenish this virtual sound board on a regular basis. Sure, some bloggers can do it but conclusively, I am not one of those.

I still have a lot to say though:

As an ambitious Jewish educator and college student, there is plenty to say on education from pre-K to college.

As a Diaspora Jew, there is a plethora of stories to be told about the trials and triumphs of Am Yisrael in exile.

As a frequent flyer to the Holy Land, I have what to say about Israel, the State and its importance.

And over of course, I still have what to say about the searching for the Real Deal.

P.S. I will continue with The Best Part…so stay tuned!

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