Archive | December, 2011

Quote for Thought: Gone is Gone

28 Dec

If you’re missing me, I want you to know that I am not missing you. Gone is gone. I never miss anything or anyone because it all becomes a lovely memory. I guard my memories and love them, but I don’t get in them and lie down. You can even make stories from yours but they don’t come back. Just think how awful it would be if they did. You don’t need me now. You’re…old enough to get busy at growing up to be the person you want to be.

— Ole Golly, Harriet the Spy

Isn’t it amazing how children’s literature has some of the best mind fodder out there? It amazes me. Why perilously pour over the complexities of Homer or the woefulness of Hawthorne if you can get solid, applicable advice from Harriet the Spy? Just saying.

And it is from Louise Fitzhugh’s Harriet the Spy that I bring to you an outstanding piece of chizuk. The above quote is what I think should be the experienced dater’s creed. For those of us who haven’t found the RD in the first, second, third (fourth, fifth…must I go on?) person we’ve dated, the whole experience can be a bit disheartening at times. It’s not even the one-and-dones that are bothersome, or even the two-and-dones. Some matches are just not meant to be. However, once you’ve gone out a few more times than that…you start to get to know the person, you let them get to know you and even have a few inside jokes…you start hoping for the best. And whether it’s you who ends it or them, there is disappointment involved. The broken-up-with is left hurt and the break-upper is left with the guilt of causing that hurt (and will always have to live with the knowledge that they ended the relationship). No one wins, my friends. Not in the short-term.

But in the long-term, you have to believe that you are a winner. You formed a relationship with that person for a reason. It may not be clear why right away, but you must believe that it started and ended for the best. In the above quote, Ole Golly, Harriet’s most trusted confidante and nanny since her birth, tells her the hardest thing a person could hear: I’m not missing you. Despite the numerous, incalculable days they spent together, their time is up. Those days are gone. Gone is gone. The relationship will never be the same and that is just the way it is.

The memories though…those remain. Ole Golly guards them and loves them but does not get in them and lie down. Memories of a past relationship can be remembered fondly. They can be retrieved with esteem and admiration, but they won’t bring the relationship back. The relationship is over for a reason, though you may not understand why. The bottom line is, that person realized that thy don’t need you now–and you don’t need them. Whether intentionally or not, they freed you to be the person you want to be, whom you will be able to be with your RD, please G-d.

So my fellow RD Searchers, do not fret. Don’t let lovely memories become catalysts of sorrow. Appreciate them for what they are. Take them out every once in a while, smile with them and then put them away. G-d gave you that experience for a certain amount of time because that is all you needed. Now He’s giving you the opportunity to learn from them, grow some more and make yourself ready for the next person. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect, but bhsaa tova, Hashem will bring you to the person who will mutually feel that a life together is perfect in a way that the dictionary definition of perfection could never defend.


7 Dec

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made mistakes.

Too hasty of a decision.

Too quick of a judgement.

In hindsight, it’s all too easy to heap the blame–

On myself.

To say I wasn’t patient enough.

Wasn’t wise enough.

Wasn’t ready enough.

But there’s nothing I can do at this point except learn,

And relearn.

And accept, “Till this moment, I never knew myself.”