Archive | February, 2011

101 Reasons Not to Get Married

24 Feb

Sterngrad did an interesting post of 101 reasons why she wants to get married. I must say, that’s quite an accomplishment. Thinking of 101 of anything (besides Dalmatians) is asking a lot of the human mind. That’s why we stick to Top 10 lists (and even those are hard to work with sometimes).

Yet I, the fearless Coral Cap, have decided to put my own spin on the 101 Reasons list. You see, there are plenty of happy dappy reasons to get married, but there are also reasons NOT to get married. I am making this list because as a young woman “in the parsha,” I know the pressures put on young, Orthodox singles to get married.  Many of these pressures are not forced upon us, they are ones we have accepted upon ourselves. For example, there is a subliminal belief that part of a Stern girl’s  duties as a Yeshiva University student is to find a husband by the end of her senior year. Yes, I know there are plenty of Stern girls who don’t fall into this category, but let’s be honest, the ideal exists. There is no denying that at a certain point, it feels like all your friends are finding the Real Deal while you’re kinda just scratching your head wondering how this is happening so fast. This can apply outside the Stern world as well. I don’t see Touro or TI  girls going any slower. You’ll find young-marrieds at Queens, Brooklyn, and various other colleges and programs in New York. The bottom line is, marriage can start looking like a fashionable trend rather than a life altering decision even if you know the truth. I’m writing this post NOT because I am cynical about marriage (I’m not), but rather to remind myself and my readers that:

a) There is what to appreciate about being single and

b) marriage is serious business, even though you’re floating on the wings of love, happier than you’ve ever been before, so much so you find yourself smiling at completely inappropriate times.

101 Reasons Not to Get Married

1. Weddings are hard to plan

2. Weddings require lots of money

3. You have to make a guest list

4. Making a guest list means choosing who to invite and who not to invite

5. Choosing who to invite and who not to invite means unintentionally insulting people

6. Married life requires money

7. Undergraduate students don’t usually have much of that

8. Not everyone has parents who can fund a newly married couple

9. You have to make your own meals

10. You have to mop your own floors

11. You have to vacuum every week instead of never (oh you dormers know what I’m talking about)

12. You really do have to change the sheets every other week

13.  Dorm life can’t last forever, so why not enjoy it while you have it

14. The toilet seat will resume an upward position

15.  No more sneakily drinking out of the OJ carton-  it’s just not honest

16. If I end up marrying someone just because I want to fit in, I could end up miserable a few years down the line

17. I’m not sure what will happen to my health insurance

18. I’ll have to move my Hadaya ring to another finger since I wear it on my left middle finger and it just won’t look good next to a diamond ring and a band.

19. I won’t be able to PMS freely since doing so might scare my husband away

20. PMS is not a valid excuse for not wanting to do dishes or laundry like it was with my mother

21. PMS just isn’t a good excuse for anything. I’m a grownup now, deal with it

22. No more spontaneous trips to faraway cities

23. Doing homework becomes a privilege not the priority

24. No more sleep over parties with the girls

25. You can’t bring your husband to karaoke night

26. No time for fun extracurriculars like Model UN, Mock Trial and the shuffleboard club

27.  No more being a counselor at camp

28. I might expect to feel whole and thus, always happy

29. No more killing roaches

30. No more taking out the garbage

31. No more de-plunging the toilet

32. No more doing the man-jobs I’ve proudly mastered because it’s his job to be the man

33.  Because I don’t want to do it just because everyone else is

34. Being an ezer kinegdo is real work, not just some fluffy idea and I want to actually be responsible enough to take on that privilege before I take it

35. I am naturally stubborn and thus go at my own pace (sometimes to my detriment)

36. My body is not my own anymore

37. I’ll have that huge lump in the back of my sheitel if I want to keep my hair long

38. People will start looking at my stomach expectantly

39. No more bunking with NCSYers on shabbatons

40.  I might allow myself to believe that I don’t have to look my best anymore since I’m already “taken”

41. I hate having all attention on me – and that’s what a wedding is

42. Taharat HaMishpacha aint the walk in the park they make it sound like in seminary

43. To heck with social pressures!

44. Because marriage isn’t the be-all-and-end-all: Finding the right person is

45. People expect you to know how to cook

46. Fruit Loops are no longer a viable dinner option

47. Just because I will gladly eat leftover chicken and potato kugel until Wednesday night doesn’t mean my husband will

48. I’ll forget  how to be empathetic toward singles

49. I’ll have to start cutting my nails really short

50. Everyone will know whether I’m a niddah or not depending on whether I can put my arm around my husband in pictures or not

51. I might start posting photos of what I made for dinner on Facebook

52.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes morning sickness

53.  Kids means forgoing sleep for the next 20 or so years

54. People will start grabbing my left hand to get a look at my ring, as if it’s public property

55. I’ll have to break the news to my husband that jewelry doesn’t make everything better in his case because I don’t like jewelry

56. I’ll have to pretend I like jewelry (my Savti says I have to so he won’t feel bad)

57. I’ll have to stop watching football so he can while I watch the kiddos

58. I’ll have the yetzer hara to compare my marriage/life to my friend’s

59. If I marry for the sake of marrying I’ll always wonder “what if”

60. No more staying in the library til midnight, getting lost in a sea of literature

61. Solitude is harder to come by

62. Marriage isn’t a cure for loneliness. Even married people can feel lonely

63. I’m not looking to join a club, I’m looking for true friendship and partnership

64. I shouldn’t need just this to see Hashem in my life

65. Truth be told, sometimes I like sitting by myself at an ice cream parlor

66. I might be untrue to myself and compromise things I really care about just to be like everyone else

67. I’m shy about my singing voice and would rather not have to share it

68. Because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone

69. Most men don’t know what a DMC is and would rather not engage in one after a long day of work

70. I set people up now. I don’t need an MRS to make me a valid shadchan

71. B”H I can eat whatever I want now.

72.  I’d rather not fall off the face of the planet, thank you very much.

73.  Love doesn’t solve problems, actually, if you look in Tanach, it only causes more

74. That is why love isn’t a good enough reason to marry someone

75. Because you have a really cute story of how you met someone

76. What I think I need in a partner and what Hashem knows I need in a partner might be different. I’d rather marry what Hashem knows is best for me than be a “cute married person”

77. The wait makes that which you want so much even dearer

78.  Because Mom and Dad say so

79. Because everyone is asking you why you haven’t met anyone yet

80. Because being called picky is better than having a miserable marriage

81. Because you are in love with love

82. Because all your sisters got married by 21 so you have to also

83. Because everyone pegged you to be the first to go

84. Wanting a wedding is not a good enough reason to want to get married. If you want a big party, make one for your birthday

85.  Keeping up with the Jones’ is what puts people in debt who don’t have to be

86. So people tell you how “well” you did

87. Just because you’re the world’s best wife doesn’t mean he’ll make it any easier for you to wake him up for shachris

88. My secret stash of chocolate will be at risk of being discovered

89. Because he’s sooooo cuuuuttteeee

90. Because being a married lady is soooo cuuuutttteee

91. Because our kids would be soooo cuuuuttteee

92. If I don’t marry him then someone else will

93.  Spending all day in bed is not reality

94. Paying the bills is

95. Going on couples vacations- are those really fun or do people just like to take pictures so it just appears fun?

96. Thinking you’ll get more respect just because you cook, clean and take care of a man

97. Because you don’t want to be the last one single

98. Because you don’t believe Hashem has someone who truly compliments you

99. Because you have half your Onlysimchas page filled out and are impatient to fill out the other half

100. Because the mitpachot you bought in seminary X years ago have been sitting in your closet long enough

101. Because you sure as heck don’t want to be blogging about singlehood any longer


Happy Birthday to Me!

23 Feb

My greatest apologies for being MIA as of late. I’ve recently come to the daunting realization that ranting, mocking and philosophizing can get tiresome. In writer’s jargon, you might call it “writer’s block.” However, that will not stop me from commemorating my one year anniversary as a blogger. And I’m not just any blogger, I’m a shidduch blogger.

Having had one yer of experience, I wonder, how did I think I’d have so much to say about dating? Yeah, some of your out there can do it, and I am nothing less than amazed. Having something new to say every day about the art of finding one’s spouse…that’s pretty cool.

So what have I learned in the past year? I definitely have more experience. I’m not sure that makes me all that much wiser, but it’s something. I’ve learned to let go of the past in a way I never fully did. I’ve learned to be more proactive; to take the weaving of my future into my own hands. To go for what I want and not wait around for others to find that for me.

But what I’ve learned so well in the past, and still am in the process of learning is that G-d is in control. Even if it feels like I’m calling the shots, even if it seems like my choices determine certain outcomes, it’s not true. That doesn’t mean we can just sit back and relax. A life without effort, a life without toil is miserable. A life that knows no trials is one of destitution. Great things must be earned. An imperative part of great things being great is that they require effort. We would never appreciate the profundity of what it means to be alive if we didn’t have to choose priorities in life. That’s what Hashem wants us to do. He wants us to choose what matters. He wants us to own every footstep and every heartbeat just as much as He does. We’ll never be able to choose how things turn out, but we can choose how to view the world.

With G-d’s help, I have much more to write and much more to give. To those of you who have been following me, I thank you with utmost gratitude. You’ve given my thoughts a place to go other than the innards of my heart. You’ve given them life. Here is to another wonderful year!

Coral Cap

Quote For Thought: “I’d Say the Only Thing…”

16 Feb

I’d say the only thing that each day has in common, the only thing that is consistent in my life is the thought of you. And… it’s absolutely mind blowing…that after all these years and all these changes, You’re the only Existence my soul knows is true.




2 Feb

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to scream something? Yes, overall life is good but you’re still feeling confused or frustrated or helpless or all of the above. Maybe you should be more mature about it, right? Put things in perspective.

But at a certain point you’ve gotta admit your human. I’ve gotta admit I’m human…and thatat  this point in time, there is only one way to relieve all the confusion and frustration:

Scream out for my Mommy.

Yup, it may not be glamorous but it sure helps. She helps. My Mommy.

There’s Always a Bright Side

1 Feb

I’m not sure if you noticed, but it’s snowing outside. Oh right, maybe you are one of those blessed people who live in Florida, Israel or New Mexico. Don’t talk to me right now. I have no interest in your 70 degree, partly cloudy weather. The only person I want to talk is the one with enough money to scoop up all the snow in the Tri-State area and dump it in the Kineret. New York has already surpassed its $38 million snow control budget so don’t ask them for help; they’re out for the season.

Even Mother Nature is getting bored with this snowy situation. Today she decided to change it up a bit and bring on a full-fledged flurry of snow pellets. I’ve heard of sleet and I’ve heard of hail but never before have I heard or seen snow pellets. It makes me think of rabbit food. White rabbit food. However, when I went to clean off my car this morning, I indeed saw there is such a thing as snow pellets, and I began to sing.

Yes, sing. You see, I am currently amidst getting over a rather stubborn infection. It’s stuffed up my nose, head and chest. It feels yucky, but I have to admit, the way my vocal cords sound when I put them to a tune is undeniably hilarious. I have no control as to what sounds they will make or what notes they will (or will not) hit. Therefore, I have made it my sick day tradition to warble whatever song comes to mind. I can’t control what I sound like, but I can find a way to enjoy the situation none-the-less.

And that’s how I’ve decided to look at this day. The snow is still pourin’ down. I will have to dig my car out for the second time this week with a stuffy nose and boots ravaged by winter wear-and-tear. The box of Puffs tissues is almost finished but still…the birds are still chirping, the squirrels are still stupidly trying to barge through my side door and the deer still scour for food. Life goes on. I can’t control what comes my way, but I can control my attitude. So I’m going to sing. I’m pretty sure it’s not kol isha since I sound like a cross between a frog and a dying Furby. I’m being objective by the way; no doubt about it.

So…any requests?