Friends First

27 Jun


Take a moment to observe the above pictures and answer the following multiple-choice  questions:

(Note: This is meant for both sexes so choose the half of the answer that applies to you).

1. You would expect that Prince Charming and Cinderella:

a)  Have been going out a long time.

b) Are in love.

c) Are infatuated.

d) They are being ridiculously shomer for a Disney couple (kol hakavod)!

2. You would expect that Woody and Jessie are:

a) Good friends.

b) Enjoy each other’s company.

c) “Like, like” each other.

d) What about the horse?

3. If your were going on a first date, which scenario would you want it to look like:

a) Woody/ Jessie

b) Prince Charming/ Cinderella

*****************************************************************************************************

In a perfect world, on a perfect date, being in CP&C’s shoes would be…perfect. They’re deep in conversation, the night is young and pale moonlight glistens on the placid azure pond. The look of love; it’s so apparent. So real, so thick, so tangible. They just get each other, you know? It’s one of those things that just happened. Who would’ve guessed it’s their first date? Gosh, those lucky kids! Someone is looking out for them (alright Fairy G-ma, come out with your hands up). It’s just so…nice.

And unrealistic, yet somehow, many girls (and maybe even a sprinkling of guys) believe that this what a relationship should look like. One day he’s a stranger, and next thing you know you’re supposed to have butterflies, wings and the ability to float on clouds. No. Noooo, no no, that’s not the way it works my kiddos; not in most cases. You see, when you skip right to romance, you’re missing the most important ingredient a marriage needs– Reut.

You gotta be friends, you whippersnappers, you! Don’t go rushing for the onlysimchas-worth proposal, shiny ring and bentscher mongram. Don’t look for Prince Charming, because if you are, I’ve got some bad news for you. It’s called Agony (see: Into the Woods). And I’m telling you, if you go into a date with the mindset that in a few short meetings you are going to know love like you never knew it before, you’re not going to get very far.

I know no one reading this blog actually thinks they are going fall in love like a pumpkin-riding, magic carpet-flying princess, but deep, deep down, many people believe that you have to go from strangers to an inseparable item in a matters of three or less dates. There is so much pressure to couple up. There is so much pressure to find “The One” and be so intensely cute that your friends can’t help but gush over your adorable new profile picture (you know, the one with the matching Yankees caps and jerseys). It’s not your fault you feel this way deep down; our society lauds the instantaneous. Lucky for you, my Savti gave me the best advice on how to combat this, and here it is:

Go for the Woody/Jessie kind of date. Look at them! They’re having a lot of fun. They’re running around on that record, smiling, laughing, exchanging some friendly chitchat…like friends would do. I understand that a good deal of you have never been friends with the opposite sex. In fact, you’ve probably avoided it like Swine Flu, but there’s nothing wrong with trying to become friends with a guy while you are dating him. Relax. Have fun. If it doesn’t work out, you obviously don’t remain close with him, but even so, if he’s a good guy, maybe he will be suitable for one of your friends. You are at a stage in your life where it’s okay to be friendly with the opposite sex. I’m not talking about being BFF’s who go shopping together and text each other every time you hear the the funniest joke you’ve ever heard, but be compadres, acquaintances, whatever label you are comfortable with. This is tachlis we are talking about.

Here are a few People Facts to bring your mind out of the Disney Cloud:

1)People like it when someone shows interest in them, their life and their interests.

2)People like friendly, easy-to-talk-to people who smile and laugh at appropriate times.

3)People like to feel respected and important (in a healthy way, not a conceded way, hopefully). They like to feel that no one else and nothing else is more important when you are spending time with them.

Layla tov and much hatzlacha on your search for the Real Deal!

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9 Responses to “Friends First”

  1. Man In the Mask June 27, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

    I’d have to say:
    1) D. I would have guessed (having never seen the movie) that they were breaking up (or that he was about to reveal that they’re long-lost siblings like the scene in Star Wars which this somehow reminds me of)
    2) Again, D. It looks like they’re just getting to know each other and perhaps when the running on a turntable gets old, they’ll have one of those classic moments where their eyes meet and then it gets awkward, then he (even more awkwardly) asks her out and she probably says no (for the time being)
    3. Certainly the former, the prince and Cinderella (who, despite the long dress, is certainly less צנועה than Jessie) don’t look like they’re having much fun at all.

    In all seriousness, though, what you say makes a lot of sense – to a point. As someone who has had female friends his entire life, and is quite cognizant of the difficulties that can present, I wouldn’t want to be “friends” the way I’m friends with my female friends, if that makes any sense. Maybe things are different for girls, but I can usually tell pretty quickly whether someone I’m getting friendly with is someone I see as a true friend or someone I see less platonically. Yes, it’s important to be friends because it’s far too easy to have a relationship that’s based on nothing but mutual attraction and no matter how long you can stare into each others eyes whispering sweet nothings about how perfect your sudden love is, it will be totally empty and most certainly come crashing down if it isn’t given a quick transfusion of actual content, at the same time, there’s no substitute for having that spark.

    Really, while it’s important for everyone not to have their heads stuck in the clouds surrounding the Disney castle, it’s also important not to have things too planned out. There is absolutely such a thing as over-analyzing, and all the more so before the date has even happened. Maybe you don’t need to be swept off of your figurative feet on the first date for things to end happily ever after, but if you sit down with every boy you like thinking happily about how the butterflies in your stomach are just a result of movies you watched as a child and when you find The One it will be less fairy-tale like, you may be just as doomed to misunderstand the situation.

    Lastly, it’s really (if I may speak from total inexperience) about knowing yourself and acting naturally. Yes, you have to fight your natural nervousness and be friendly and all, but being genuine is far better than laughing at the right places (lest you end up having to confess after twenty years of tortured laughter that you don’t think your husband’s ever-so-witty-puns are funny at all).

  2. coralcap June 27, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    Now that’s what I call a response!

    1)I can see why you would infer that. I worked very hard to find a shomer negiah picture of a Disney couple and this was all I could find. Though the couple looks a bit awkward, the ambiance is classic Disney. It’s very intriguing to hear other people’s opinions on what they see. I should do this more often.

    2)I knew someone would bring up Luke and Leah I just knew it! Clearly you know why I didn’t use them as an example. Though it’s been years since I’ve seen Toy Story 2 and haven’t had the pleasure of watching Toy Story 3 yet, I do believe that although Jessie and Woody are on “jus friends” terms, there could be some underlying not-so-platonic feelings. But that’s really besides the point as to why I used this picture. It looks like they are having a good time together. I admit, the likliness of a first date having this kind of comfort level is slim unless the two people were friends before, which, as I will soon explain, I am not advocating.

    The goal of this post is not to encourage guys and girls to delve into the ambiguous dephs of platonic relationships, nor am I suggesting that dating should be a strictly scheduled activity. There needs to be a balance of comfort and romance. Platonic relationships focus on the comfort, maybe a little too much. Daing solely with the intention of being swpet off one’s feet into a blissful life of marriage is just unrealistic.

    I think you really hit the nail on the head though in your last paragraph. It’s really about knowing yourself and acting naturally. This applies not only in dating but in every social arena. When one is comfortasble with his/herself, it is very hard to get caught up in hopes of impressing others. You gotta be cool with yourself. Thanks for pointing that out, it’s a very true and crucially important point.

  3. Shades of Grey June 27, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

    Toy Story 3 is FANTASTIC. Maybe worth a post, even.

    Anyway, I picked C then B. The PC + C scene IS so contrived and looks like two lovesick teenagers who don’t quite know what they’re doing, or what they should be doing. Woody and Jessie definitely typifies what my first few dates are usually about. Not that there isn’t meaningful conversation, but nothing too deep or personal is every really brought up/discussed (at least not intentionally), and the key thing is to see if you enjoy being with the person.

    I definitely agree that you need to find out how friendly you can be with your date before a more serious relationship can be considered. It is definitely a bit awkward for those who don’t have practice, and both guys and girls need to be aware that simply treating their date as one of their same-gender friends is not a good idea, because that model doesn’t translate entirely. In the end, your husband/wife needs to be your best friend to get your through all the exciting and not-so-exciting/difficult times in life. The lovey-dovey staring into each other’s eyes falls away when trouble rears its ugly head – THAT’s precisely when you need your friend and ally to be by your side to stuggle/fight alongside you and to support you in your time of need. A husband/wife needs to be your most trusted right-hand-person, not just someone to make googly eyes.

  4. Bluestocking June 28, 2010 at 12:05 pm #

    I thought Jessie was seeing Buzz. And Woody had a long relationship with Bo Peep.

    Frankly, that’s what I’m looking for. I don’t want the whole eye-gazing thing. Prince Charming and Cinderella – I so don’t get that. The fairy tales were originally meant as satiric jabs at a culture or cautionary stories. They didn’t mean that whole “Happily Ever After” thing seriously.

    Who knows what issues will crop up? Cinderella still keeps the slave mentality and finds herself dusting the mantle, much to her mother-in-law’s chagrin, who’s unhappy that Charming couldn’t have found a more eligible girl, like the King of Bavaria’s daughter, who speaks 12 languages and knows how to command the help. The Prince has to take various long journeys for diplomatic reasons and meets up with other make-overed servant girls.

    Shrek and Fiona were more realistic. They got to know each other, through long casual walks and ignoring Donkey. (Although I’m not exactly sure why they didn’t just stay gorgeously human while they had the chance in Shrek 2).

  5. harryer than them all June 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    the way dating was explained to me, in terms of what one should be doing on a date is divided into 3. The first set of dates (1 to 3) are about mutual attraction and just plain getting along on a basic level. The next stage is friendship, where you can slowly become friends with each other, have a good time and laugh together. The last stage is when you become ‘intimate’ with each other, discussing hopes, dreams, and trusting in each other.

    Or in Group-dynamics parlance; forming, storming, norming, and performing

  6. coralcap June 29, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Shades- I agree with you about PC and C. It reminds me of a very bad shidduch date where both parties are hoping to pull a fantastic, lasting relationship out of thin air. With Jessie and Woody, you can see their relationship is progessing naturally, and genuinely enjoying each others company.

    You’re very right about your spouse being your best friend. It sound so cliche but it’s true b/c the lovey doviness does wax and wane, and at the end of a long, hard day at work, ytou just want someone you know you can talk to.

    And I must, must, must see Toy Story 3! I want to see it so badly, you have nooo idea!

    I always thought it was only Bo Peep who had a thing for Woody, not the other way around.

    It;s good to know that fairy tales had a purpose other than brain washing us to look for the Prince Charming and Cinderella relationship. Nobody says what happens after they live happily ever after, but your description sounds about right.

    You’re right about Shrek and Fiona. They’re great together; a perfect example. I don’t know why they chose to be ogres either, but hey, that’s Hollywood.

    Harry- I am officially a very big fan of those 3 steps. What a great way to break down the dating process! The problem is, sometimes people mix up the stages and it gets very hard to feel a relationship progressing or want it to b/c the process is out of whack.

    I’m a very big fan of meeting people in large groups (or Unofficial Shidduch Breeding Grounds as I call them). You get to see the person as they are before you ever consider going out with them. You see how they intereact with other, how they react when things don’t go their way, if they’re just out to charm every member of the opposite sex…it’s truly a great device in my humble opinion.

  7. Bluestocking June 30, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    The Woody-Bo Peep thing was mutual. She would hook him with her crook and he would blush while she offered to get a babysitter for the sheep? While Buzz haltingly complimented Jessie on her yarn hair color?

  8. Alex July 12, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

    What you are saying about a fun date is true however I believe you can have both, maybe not in the extremes portrayed in the pictures. It all is about your personality you could be looking for a small variation of one or both of these two extremes. I might be under this impression because I am a romanticist. I know people that had great fun dates and have bad marriages and I am sure the same is true for the other way. It all depends on who you and your date are.

    • coralcap July 15, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

      I did portray the extremes, and you’re right, the romantic route may work for a particular couple. Hey, if it works for the romantics, I aint bashing it. I admit,I am a romatic at heart, and will let that side of me crawl out from the dark when I’ve found a person I trust my heart with. Til then, the realist will do the navigating. It really does depend on you and your date.

      Thanks for posting! It’s always nice to see new commentators!

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