Why I Spewed

6 May

I realize that my last post was quite strong and could have come across as umsympathetic. It is definitely not my goal to hurt or insult anybody, so please, accept my apologies if I did so.

What caused me to write such strong post? As I said, I am scared. For single girls, there is a very short span of time in which they can remain single and not be somewhat looked down upon. I think the cutoff is 21. Once a girl turns 22, people may start to wonder…so nu why isn’t she engaged? I entered shiduchim as a young one; fresh off the seminary plane. But now the new batch of sem girls will be joining the market. Yup, there are always more girls. No one  girl is special; there are plenty to go around.

So I worry. I worry that the Shidduch Crisis isn’t some played up myth and that I will be a part of it. Maybe I won’t find my RD yet. Maybe I’ll have to have my heart broken time after time and almost lose all hope before I recognize him and he recognizes me. I fear that people will look down upon me and murmur, “nebuch.”

Thing is, I don’t feel like a nebuch. I have faith that Hashem is watching out for me and that everything will happen b’shaa tova. Granted, I’m not sitting on my duff waiting for the right guy to come around; I’m trying to find him. I can’t start to second guess myself and G-d. I can’t. So I came out swinging and jabbing at my doubts. None of this has to be true. Refocus your vision just don’t let the possibility of being single at such-and-such age get you down. Hashem runs the world. You just keep giving all you’ve got and you know G-d will take care of you. You know it, Coral.

That’s what I tell myself, at least.

Anyway, I hope to G-d that this feeling, the feeling that I am merely a ham on a shelf goes away, for all of us. I hope we do get the chance to love and give as we so desire. Enjoy your life as it is now, but never stop praying for yourself and others. Im Yirtze Hashem by us.

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6 Responses to “Why I Spewed”

  1. Bored Jewish Guy May 6, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    I’m surprised to see this coming from you, sure I get being scared about not getting married, regardless of your age. But worrying that people will look at you as a nebuch if you’re still single when you’re 22, that I don’t expect from you (granted I don’t know you in real life). I’ve joked before that for girls in shidduchim it’s like a blackjack game the closer to 21 you get, the better, but after that you bust. It’s sad when girls really believe that. I get not wanting to have your heart broken, but unless you look down on yourself, other peoples opinions shouldn’t matter, for sure not at anywhere near your age.

  2. coralcap May 6, 2010 at 11:35 am #

    It’s not that I care what other people think as much as I do not want to come to care. You know, I’m not in this big rush to get married. The reason I started on the young side (at least in my circle) is because I did not want to close myself off from any opportunities. The fact is, the longer one waits the less options there are, but I do not let that fact daunt me. Yes, it is daunting, but I won’t let it daunt me, and that’s why I came down so hard in the previous post.

    If it is G-d’s will that I am still single at 22, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing. Sure when I was 17 and 22 seemed so old I thought it was horrible but now I’m a little older and wiser. The fat is, I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. I want to marry the right person at the right time, and a lot of female bloggers have stated the same. I can’t speak for them, but sometimes I get down on myself b/c I hate the feeling of being a piece of meat in a meat market. Who has any hope with such an outlook. But definitely do not view myself that way. A lot of the shidduch world does unfortunately…

  3. Bored Jewish Guy May 6, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    I commented on bad4’s post with my theory that the jerks get married first, I really do think there’s something to that. You have a long way to go (and hopefully you wont have to) before you should be worried about there being less options. According to my theory the guys who date girls 21+ are better guys (not always). So you have nothing to worry about 🙂

  4. SIS May 6, 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    1. Don’t worry so much.

    2. Why should you feel like a nebech? If anyone’s putting the nebech label on you right now, it’s only yourself. No one else in their right mind looks at a fresh-off-the-boat girl that way.

    3. You probably won’t get your heart broken too many times; most people have one biggie. You’ve had yours already. Now you can relax 🙂

  5. coralcap May 6, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

    SIS:

    1. In general, I don’t worry so much, but when I over think things,it tends to happen. My main reason for writing this post was to apologize for being insensitive toward other people’s ideas and feelings. I still believe everything I wrote, but I could have been more sensitive b/c the fact is, I haven’t been in the shidduch pool all that long so I can’t really understand how those who have been in it for longer feel. I may never feel the same way just b/c I really enjoy meeting new people. I don’t know, call me naive.

    2. Nobody has called me a nebuch thus far, and IyH no one ever will. B”H I’ve gotten pretty enthusiastic feedback from shadchanim, friends and family. Still, when it comes to formal shidduchim, I know the reason that I am “in demand” is because I am young. I’ve had shidduchim rhedt to me specifically because the guy is looking for someone “20/21.” Sure maturity does play a factor in why I am considered for “older guys.”

    3. Amen v’Amen! Yeah I guess b/c I’ve already experienced that traumatizing first heartbreak, it’ll be hard to find another one that will compare (bli ayin hara). The thing is, in retrospect it wasn’t so bad. I’ve heard people with heartbreak stories way worse than mine. Gotta be thankful…

    BJG: I read your comment on Bad4’s post and I found it quite insightful. It always amazes me how girls flock to the pompous guys. I’ve fallen for it myself a few, b/c at first, they just seem genuinely outgoing and friendly, but as I got to know most of these outgoing, friendly guys, they just ended up being self-absorbed and impersonal. Thank G-d I figure these things out but some girls…they just never learn.

  6. Bored Jewish Guy May 7, 2010 at 2:52 am #

    Coral: The good thing is that most of the girls who marry the jerks never realize their husbands are jerks, it’s like they’re made for each other. I’m not sure if my theory works for females too, I think it probably does.

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