The Brother Theory

14 Apr

In a discussion that took place on SIS‘s latest post, Solely in Black and White suggested that I write a post on my approach to understanding males. Well, truth be told, it wasn’t my genius idea , I got it from my Savti.  As you might recall from past posts, my Savti is full of good dating advice, but I have to say, this little tweaking of POV is truly enlightening.

The following text is from an e-mail my Savti sent me before Pesach. And yes, she gave me permission.

The one thing I wanted to mention about dating that I want you to think about is how to look  & really see the boy, in a really different & unique way  Overall. he’s just like you. He grew up in a family with mom & dad & siblings (hopefully –let’s just say for now). He went to school, has his friends, did a science fair project, and acted like a dork many times with & without his friends. Think of this boy as you would think of Tim (my brother) —as if Tim was out on a date. How would you think of him? Tim has had awkward moments, is not always the cool kid and gets nervous when it counts. So does the boy you are meeting. He has very little experience, just like you. He’s made & will make mistakes, just like you. He’s nervous & not sure what to say or do, just like you. He is the same as if he was Tim, only he’s not. You would give Tim some slack; you may want to give him a little leeway, just like you need from him.

Here’s an exercise that may help view him objectively: Think of him as a brother, rather than your prince charming; it takes the glam out, reduces the date to reality, doesn’t create the pressure you always feel thinking “Is he the one?” “Is this my zivug“? It Takes the aura of romance out of the date, even for just a few moments. Remove yourself from time & space. Let your mind float above the table and look at him as if he were that cool yet dorky guy you feel comfortable around. Is he someone who could be friends with Tim? What would Tim say about him? Then when you’ve answered those questions, bring yourself back into the reality of the date.

We grow up learning unrealistic expectations of what a date should be from TV and movies. How many princess movies have you seen where the boy is suave, cool, sophisticated and sweeps the innocent princess off her feet with his knowledge, talent, skill and swordsmanship? C’mon, the boy next to you is still that awkward kid whose friends are probably laughing behind his back while he’s out with you. He has to report back to them & is already thinking about how he’ll spin this debacle.

Unless you are going out with an experienced dater, he probably is stumbling along the same unknown, rocky path you are. It’s when you can find your way together & “click” in the best of ways that you know maybe there is potential. That’s being in sync, being in tune with each other but it happens in stages: on 1st date levels, then 2nd date levels, then if all is well, 3rd date levels. By the 3rd date, if there is really potential, if you’re both really thinking about tachlis, the bumbling goes away or at least, becomes endearing & something you look forward to on the next date.


3 Responses to “The Brother Theory”

  1. Bored Jewish Guy April 15, 2010 at 12:12 am #

    It’s very good advice but I’m not sure how I feel about my date thinking of me like her brother, like you said it takes the romance out of it. I guess a little bit is ok though.

  2. Princess Lea April 15, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    Considering how I’m looking for a guy like my brother – and how smooth, debonair, slicked back hair gets me nervous, I seem to be already there.

  3. harryer than them all April 21, 2010 at 11:14 pm #

    btw its one of the parts i hate about dating for so long. The fact that i have everything down pat, everything is thought of already, that i am starting to develop templates about everything.

    I kinda liked having that feeling like i didnt know what to do, to take advice, to listen, and now i am the one being asked. It kept me on my toes when i had to think about dating, feeling less confident (weird i know), like i was out of control. reminds me of the thing they say; that zivugim is hard like krias yam suf- just like the sea would only split when calev could no longer breathe, the same for dating 😉

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