Hung Up

11 Mar

Last night, a former neighbor of mine g-chatted me. We don’t see each other, ever, and probably never will see each other, ever, but every now and then we get into discussions that start with “what’s up” and end in “not much you.” However, last evening we got into a discussion that lasted a tad longer. Being in shidduchim definitely gives you more to talk about.

I should start with a bit of background information. Though nobody has told me that I have a large fluorescent sign on my forehead, experience has indicated that I have “dating coach” written right between the eyes. This is not a new phenomenon. Ever since the 10th grade, people have been coming to me for relationship advice and have even used me as a mediator on AIM. Usually people have to go scrounging around for their peers’ deep, dark secrets, but they just came to me.

Thank G-d I’m out of high school.

This trend still followed me into seminary and out into the “real world.” Case in point — Mr. G-Chat. I don’t really chat males first, especially if I have no relationship with them in any of the senses of “relationship.” But he started it, so, I wasn’t going to be rude. It would probably end up being one of those “what’s up” “nmu” situations anyway.

But this time was different. This time he came to vent. Why to me? I don’t know. It’s just easiest to blame it on karma.

Our conversation went something like this:

Mr. G-Chat: hey

Coralcap: Hi

MGC: how’s life?

CC: Thank G-d good

MGC: what’s new?

CC: Oh nothing really. Working, liking it, eating, sleeping, etc.

MGC: oh

CC: Yup.

CC: So how are you?

MGC: Good I just got back from mamilla mall, but idk

CC: Nice sounds like a nice place to be.

MGC: I was on a date.

CC: Oh wow, that’s great.

MGC: Yeah we ate out there but idk…

CC: Yeah first dates can be nerve wracking.

MGC: No it’s not that, idk…

CC: Unless you’re repulsed by her it’s always worth one more date.

MGC: The problem is I can’t get my mind off of another girl.

CC: Oh. That’s not good. Did you ever ask her out?

MGC: No, we’ve talked about dating but only jokingly. But I know we both know it’s not a joke.

CC: I see. So…ask her out.

MGC: Well she doesn’t live in Israel.

CC: Ooooh, long distance. That’s tough. So how have you been keeping up with her.

MGC: G-chat.

CC: No phone.

MGC: Just G-chat.

CC: Okay, well you should really ask her out so you don’t keep wondering.

MGC: I’m not willing to date long distance.

(Chirping of crickets beside my keyboard as I fight the instinctual urge to bang my head against a wall).

CC: Then forget about her and give this new girl a fair chance.

MGC: Yeah wtvr I gotta go.


Clearly the guy didn’t want to face the truth, but reality bites sometimes, and if you try to bite it back, it’ll only bite you harder.

What’s the problem with this picture? Is it that a first date is awkward? No. Of course it’s awkward, you just met the girl two hours ago. I don’t think I have to spell out the real problem. In fact, Madonna has a little ditty that paints the picture real nicely:

Every little thing that you say or do/I’m hung up/Hung up on you

Sometimes people come into our lives, and they beguile us. They’re cute, they’re witty, they also enjoy Muppet trivia and they give you attention. Bam. You like them. A lot. They’re on your mind constantly. Every laughable experience you encounter is immediately filed under a compartment in your brain in their name, to be shared with Special Person later. You guys get each other and talk for hours. You have a bond that is “unique.”.

Beautiful. So why aren’t the two of you together?

It could be:

1) You tried and were turned down

2) You tried, freaked out and rashly turned them down

3) You’ve joked about going out but have never spoken about it seriously.

4) You’re waiting for the “right time” to say something.

5) You just don’t have the guts to do anything about it.

It’s not impossible to make a long distance relationship work. Hard, but not impossible if you’re both ready and willing to make adjustments in your life. (This is why I did not include it in the above list). But let me tell you something, if you’re chatting with someone on G-chat for hours at a time and there is no sign of taking it to the next level in sight, give it up! Get off the hook*. If you’re not willing to play by reality, then you’ll be saying “idk” after every real date you go on. You’ll continue to see the people you are being set up with as missing something, and you’ll keep passing them up until you realize, hey, where’d all the single people go? There is no magic spell that will rearrange the cosmos and bring you and Special Person together. Nope, just face it, they haven’t invented teleportation yet. If you want to make it happen, then do all in your power to do so. Gosh, do males get stuck in the Disney cloud too?

Well, I’m sorry to say it, but it doesn’t sound like Mr. G-chat plans on getting off of it any time soon. I threw him a lifesaver, but he casually tossed it back with a “yeah wtvr i gotta go.” Fine. Do that, just don’t come crying to me when you can’t handle how “complicated” your life is. I’ll just tell you, “I told you so.” That’s right, it might hurt your feelings but you totally disregarded what I said to you last time, so you shouldn’t have a problem doing it again. Get over her. Newsflash: Shes’s not waiting for you! I’m sure she’s not grunting through dates because of you! Get over her and get your life back. That is, of course, unless you plan on having a G-engagement, G-wedding and G-marriage. If that’s the case, then go, be merry.

Let me know when you’ve had your first G-baby.

*Courtesy of “How I Met Your Mother”


9 Responses to “Hung Up”

  1. Bored Jewish Guy March 11, 2010 at 10:58 am #

    “They’re cute, they’re witty, they also enjoy Muppet trivia and they give you attention. Bam. You like them. A lot. They’re on your mind constantly.”

    LOL, it’s true though, even if we can look at our relationships logically, it’s still the funny sounding small details that make us feel attached to the other person.

    Even though my situation is different than the one you described, in that I already dated the girl I’m “hung-up” on. Numbers 4 and 5 still apply to me. Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for not asking her out again yet, are as logical as I think, or if I’m just being chicken. Probably both.

    I was wondering when I watched that episode of How I Met Your Mother (my favorite show btw), is there such a concept of keeping someone “on the hook” in shidduch dating? I think maybe you can say that, when someone breaks up without giving a reason, that’s what they’re doing. idk.

  2. coralcap March 11, 2010 at 5:16 pm #

    BJG, you and this guy are in totally different scenarios. Though I can see how you think 4 and 5 apply to you, they do and don’t at the same time. You actually dated her and from the sound of it, you gave it your all. You played by her rules, when she said she wanted to meet the parents, you let her. You tried, so being stuck on someone you really thought you had a shot with is normal. Not having the guts to ask her out again is also not irregular, being that she dumped you flat on your back. You can’t really gauge how “logical” your reasonings are b/c (I’m going on an assumption here) whenever you think about this topic, your mind goes in circles. Why? B/c there is no answer. There is no answer until you decide to see if she’ll go out with you again or just drop it.I’m going to write a post called “Confessions of a Shidduch Dumper” It might give you insight as to what the girl may (or may not) have gone through/is going through.

    I’m not sure how possible it is to be on the hook in shidduch dating. Hooking someone means using them for an ego boost, and although most people can use an ego boost in the tired business of shidduch dating, having a goo-goo eyed admirer isn’t going to help their case.

    • Bored Jewish Guy March 11, 2010 at 5:49 pm #

      I could see why people go to you for dating advice, you’re pretty good at this. You’re right on with your assumption as well. Are you sure you’re not old enough to buy alcohol yet? That’s hard to believe. I’ll keep an eye out for your new post, sounds interesting.

      There are definitely people who keep dating someone for egotistical reasons, not sure if that counts as keeping them on the hook though.

  3. SIS March 13, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    I was going to ask if this has ever happened to you, but based on your Romance post, it seems it did. That’s surprising, because it doesn’t seem you understand what poor g-chat guy is going through. Of course he should move on with his life, but yes…life is complicated. As long as there’s the slightest bit of hope, it’s insanely difficult to just forget about it.

  4. Shades of Grey March 14, 2010 at 7:05 pm #

    The G-chat only relationship could also be a very strong crush based on infatuation – obsessively focusing on one or a few particular elements about the person without really knowing much else about the bigger picture. So of course what you DO know is enough to paint a rosy picture that keeps getting refueled every time you G-chat/AIM/whatever with that person, because that element is brought out and strengthened again and again.

    Without actually getting to know more, this type of feeling is simple reinforced, and you might never really act on it. A good dose of reality can often be a kick to the head that will distance someone from this sort of behavior.

    This has happen to me a few times, and the end is always the same – the reality is that there is not enough substance for an actual relationship.

  5. Shades of Grey March 14, 2010 at 7:06 pm #

    And btw, just a technical suggestion: please put up a list of postings on the side bar so we can what you wrote and when you wrote it! I keep missing posts simply because I don’t realize that they’re there!

  6. coralcap March 14, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

    SIS: Although I do feel bad for Mr. G-chat and his situation, it is a different circumstance than someone (like me) who spent time getting to know the person in a non-cyber setting. As SoG put it so nicely, an internet relationship usually lacks the substance needed to form a genuine connection with someone else. It can be a great springboard for the beginnings of a relationship, but that’s all. Getting over a relationship in which two people spent a lot of time, energy and money as well as changed (for better hopefully) b/c of that person…it’s understandable for someone to be hung up. It could take months, years…maybe even until the person finds their RD. Who knows?

    Sog– I’d be happy to put up a list of postings on the side bar, but I’m not so blog-savvy. How do I do it?

    • Bored Jewish Guy March 14, 2010 at 11:57 pm #

      Coralcap: To add the recent posts to the right side of your blog: When you login to the wp-admin page for your blog, under the appearance section, there should be a “widgets” page, click on that and on the resulting page on the right side look for the “right sidebar” click the arrow to expand it and then drag the “recent posts” item from the middle of the page to the right sidebar. If that’s not clear or if you need any help, email me

  7. SIS March 14, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Yeah, I hear you. You’re right. Especially because in Mr. G-chat’s case, he’s the one not willing to put in the effort to make it happen. Sigh…the internet can help us and hurt us so greatly, sometimes at the same time. I’m not sure which it does more of.

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