A Letter to Romance

8 Mar

Romance and I don’t get along.

Nope. We’ve tried to work through our differences but unsuccessfully. I don’t go to chick flicks, the mere thought of  Twilight makes me squeamishly ill and I’d ride the Giant Golf Ball all day rather than spend two minutes surrounded by cooing couples at Cinderella’s Castle. I tried to tell Romance gently,  that his way of life just wasn’t my cup of tea, but he was utterly offended. He helped Disney build an empire, after all.

I just don’t go for those things. In case you didn’t realize, I’m in search of the Real Deal, not the Chocolate-Covered-Red-Rosy-You-Had-Me-At-Hello Deal. And this, I won’t compromise on.

Romance and I, we can barely be in the same room. He turns on Sleepless in Seattle, and I walk right out. He has one of my friends in his lovey-dovey headlocks, and I begrudgingly force a smile (for her sake). He creeps his way into the latest novel I’m reading and I briskly skip past his shpiel.

I can’t stand him. He makes relationships look so easy. Like all it takes is a glance cast across the room and a sultry smile. He tells us that we’ll “just know.” That it can happen at first sight. That it just comes to you. There’ll be signs along the way and if you just follow them, you’ll end up in Love Eternity.

Well, I don’t believe you, Romance. You’re picking with the wrong girl. I see through you. I see right through your blissfully care-free facade that convinced every unwarily chipper couple that love can fix it all. You’re not going to fool me.

Not again.

I thought I was too smart for you. I really did. How supercilious I was. Heartbreak was for other people; for my friends who tenderly confessed to the befuddling yet helplessly elating feelings of unrequited love. I was always the smart one. I was always the one who could call your spade; to lift up those stuck under your falsely propitious haze. I was the revolutionary. I was the rock of truth.

But you got me. I admit it, Romance, you got me good. You got me just when I wasn’t looking. I was strong, I was guarded, I was armed…and you got me anyways. You got me in an instant. All it took was one look, a dash of smalltalk and a smile.

I was gone. I was sold. Never to be the same again. And I knew…I knew I’d never be the same again.

And here I am, all this time later. I’ve gone on with my life. I’ve deleted all the e-mails and discarded all the letters. I’ve reupholstered the gleam in my eye and the width of my smile. I’m happy. I’m out there. I’m intrigued by new people. But how can I forgive you, Romance? How can I forgive you for the grief you’ve caused? How am I supposed to trust my instincts? I knew he was for me. I knew he felt the same way. I knew it just like I know G-d is the ever-present Being in my life. I fought past all the odds. I put in my whole heart, my whole soul and everything I’ve got.

But as it turns out…I didn’t know. I only thought I did.

So you see Romance, it’s not that I hate you; I just can’t afford anymore mishaps. You can come along and sprinkle your felicitous flower petals over me when I’ve found the Real Deal. Until then, just leave me alone.


12 Responses to “A Letter to Romance”

  1. Bored Jewish Guy March 8, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

    Unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean. I don’t have any useful advice though 😦

  2. coralcap March 8, 2010 at 10:46 pm #

    It’s okay. Sometimes knowing other people understand is enough. I wish you didn’t obviously, but whatcha gonna do…this is life.

    • Bored Jewish Guy March 8, 2010 at 11:26 pm #

      I can say that slurpees mixed with bourbon and ice cream, in moderation, make everything seem better.

      • coralcap March 9, 2010 at 12:02 am #

        Sounds great except:

        1)There’s no bourbon in my house and I’m not old enough to buy it myself.

        1a) Whiskey makes me choke so if it’s anything like that there’s no way i could stomach it.

        2)There is no 7/11 where I live. Don’t ask me how that’s possible b/c I’m not quite so sure myself.

        I’m good with the ice cream. Especially if it’s a vanilla shake. Think that’ll do it considering my circumstances?

  3. Bored Jewish Guy March 9, 2010 at 12:22 am #

    1)Wow, I feel so old right now 😦
    1a)Mixing it in a slurpee takes out the harshness
    2)Why do you live in such a place???? I couldn’t do it.
    Ice cream is good, so long as you don’t turn into an ice cream eating hermit, I pretty much did for a couple days.

  4. Princess Lea March 9, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    I am also a Romance hater (DIE! DIE!) and while I was smitten with someone, it was after an evening of conversation, not at fist sight, so in my defense, Romance was not remotely responsible; It gets no royalties.

  5. coralcap March 9, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

    1) You’re not old, they just made the drinking age pretty high.

    1a) Good to know.

    2) I didn’t choose to live where I live. G-d chose.

    Ice cream is only good to a certain point. What drowns my sorrows are gummy worms.Preferably greens ones.

    • Bored Jewish Guy March 9, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

      1)Yeah right, I’m assuming the drinking age is 21? I assumed that you were 19 or 20 from reading your first post. That doesn’t sound that young to me, most of the girls I date are around that age. When I look at it in terms of not being able to buy alcohol or how old you were at various milestones in my life, it makes me feel old.

      2)So I guess you can’t “Thank heaven for 7-11”

      For me ice cream, slurpees, movies and music pretty much do the trick.

      • coralcap March 9, 2010 at 5:58 pm #

        1)I’m glad to hear you don’t think of me as young (although in a few years I’m sure I’ll change my tune), but I’ve had 24 yr old dates rhetorically ask, “don’t you think you’re a little young to get married?” which is strange to me b/c he’s the one who requested a 20/21 year old.

        2) Nope, but as soon as I move, I’ll make sure to do so. It’s really insane that I’ve lived the past year without it. I miss my red cherry Slurpees 😦

        As a girl, spewing my feelings out to a friend for a couple of hours definitely does the trick.

  6. Bored Jewish Guy March 9, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

    Coralcap: I recently dated a girl who was not quite 19, I thought it was a little crazy but my rav told me to go for it b/c everything else about her sounded perfect for me. Turns out she was more mature than the last 23 year old girl I went out with, so for the most part I ignore age. I do think of you as young though, in a good way 🙂

  7. Shades of Grey March 14, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    This was so poetic, sad (in a cathartic way), soulful and beautifully written! I also know exactly what you’re talking about. These days I’m always on my guard for Romance to rear its ugly head, though I can’t guarantee I won’t ever be affected by it (who can, anyway?).

    • coralcap March 14, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

      Thank you! I really appreciate your comment and I’m glad to see my post is appreciated by the readers. You never know when it’ll come and sneak up behind you. The thing is, romance isn’t a bad thing when it’s used in the right context, however, our society has completely blown it out of proportion. bH over time I have come to value the qualities of respect, integrity and honesty more than the romantic ones of charming, funny and flattering. Not all are bad, but they shouldn’t be the basis of a relationship.

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