Untouchables

4 Mar

Everyone has met an Untouchable. Them being untouchable has nothing to do with the laws of shomer negiah, because when it comes to literally touching someone, we’re all untouchable. The category of folk which I am referring to are part of an upper echelon of daters. They don’t go looking for dates, dates go looking for them.

I’ll illustrate this class with a personal story:

Coral went to a shul event, just like any good Jewish girl looking for the RD should. A meticulously well-dressed young man gave a dvar Torah, and Coral took note. He’s that boy. The clean cut suit, the uber-slick half-rimmed plastic frames and the middos to match. He’s friendly yet not overly outgoing. Quiet but not shy. Hmmmm, thought Coral, this calls for an investigation.

Obviously the first thing I do is turn to my friends. We don’t say anything, we exchange telepathic messages of approval. The fun of sharing a common crush lasts for about ten seconds, and then, it’s Tachlis time.

Where is he from?

What’s his major?

Whose shiur is he in?

Is he single?

Of course, I don’t ask just anybody about this guy’s story. G-d forbid, another marriage-minded maidel will hear I’m looking into him and this will peak her interest into looking into him and that would mean competition. (Wait a second. I need a breath to recover from that one). To make it in the Shidduch World, one must be discreet. I have to find a trustworthy and preferably not-single Informer who can guide me to the next step of my hishtaslus.

I make contact with a reliable Informer. Phase one complete, and successful. Just as I am about to pat myself on the back for being so boldly yet subtlety brilliant, the ill news screechez against my ears in a most excruciating fashion.

“He’s not dating yet.”

What? I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood you.”

“He’s  not in the parsha. In the freezer. Not on the market. Did I forget any other secret shidduch code phrases for, he’s not dating?”

“Nope. I think you covered them all.”

My initial reaction was annoyance. He’s not dating? So what is he doing at an event that is unofficially yet famously known to be a shidduch breeding ground? I’m really supposed to believe that this guy has no interest in meeting someone?

It was my annoyance that let to an epiphany. The shidduch game works differently for these Untouchables. The third party strategy alone isn’t going to cut it. No my fellow shidduch daters, if you want a chance with an Untouchable, you have to make them interested in you. Go ahead, be proactive. Strike a conversation with them. Smile your best smile, laugh your infectious laugh and just be your calm, laid-back self (or feign it your best). The reality is, Untouchables are people too. Beneath the aura of untouchableness, they’re just like you and me. They like it when someone has the confidence to start a conversation with them. They like it when someone takes an interest in who they are. The advantage of this seemingly rotten situation is, their opinion on you is based on what you present, not the broken record shidduch phrases of a third party (“she’s such a nice girl; so aidel and beautiful”).

So go ahead, be proactive. Be friendly (I said friendly NOT flirtatious). Find out where they’re from and who their rabbi is yourself. The worst case scenario is, they don’t reciprocate any interest and you move on to the next prospective shidduch. There’s no harm in trying, because in the best case scenario they go from not dating…to dating you.

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10 Responses to “Untouchables”

  1. FrumJewInYU March 5, 2010 at 12:24 am #

    Wait, so the fact that I’m not dating yet and am a pretty nice guy automatically qualifies me for Untouchable status? Sweet!

    The thing is, though, that if I or any of my friends are in fact Untouchables, your perception about us not wanting to go through a third party is off the mark. I’m not dating yet because I don’t want to be dating yet, not because I’m waiting for a girl to show an interest in me. Once I do start, though, I plan on going through the whole third-party system just like everyone else, and none of my friends would disagree with me.

    (I don’t go to shidduch-breeding events, though – at least not intentionally.)

    • coralcap March 5, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

      And about the third party– I assume that an Untouchable will still be using a third party if they are interested in a particular person. However, if one finds that they are interested in an Untouchable, instead of waiting around for them to be ready, one should make themselves noticeable beforehand so Untouchable has a face and personality to a name.

  2. coralcap March 5, 2010 at 7:35 am #

    It could very well be that you’re an Untouchable, however a key factor in retaining this status is having a list. If you’re an Untouchable and not dating, fine. There’s probably a way for a girl to on your list of potentials and when you’re ready, maybe she’ll be taken into consideration. It’s not such a great feeling to be just a name on a list, that is why I suggest girls make a favorable impression even while the guy is not dating, so at least he’ll remember who she is when he gets around to all those names.

  3. FrumJewInYU March 5, 2010 at 9:45 am #

    I hear. I don’t have a “list” per say. What I do have is the fact that if, when the time comes, someone brings a girl up who had already been suggested before I had started dating, I’ll know at least two people think it’s a good match. But there’s no list where it’s like, “OK, when I start dating, these are the first six girls I’m going to date.”

  4. Princess Lea March 5, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    I thought the term for a “frozen” boy was “Popsicle.”

  5. FrumJewInYU March 5, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    I think CC is looking more for someone who’s just in the freezer. Hey, I’m in YU, not Lakewood. Is it considered The Freezer when one is not dating, rather than not being allowed to by his yeshiva or parents? Maybe we need some regulation of the term Freezer…

  6. FrumJewInYU March 5, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    meant to say “when one is voluntarily not dating”

  7. coralcap March 5, 2010 at 3:05 pm #

    YU– I know the general rule is that the label “in the Freezer” only refers to Lakewood guys but since it’s such an on-the-mark term, I use it for YU/Landers/any frum guy who’s not in kollel. Also, how do you know that two people thinks it’s a good match? Do the girls on your list (whether literal or mental) have to be mentioned by two people to make it on (I’m not interrogating. Just curious how it works)?

    Ah, I missed the term Popsicle. I’ve never heard of that before but it makes perfect sense. Thanks Princess Lea. It might show up in one of my posts these days

  8. FrumJewInYU March 6, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    Also, how do you know that two people thinks it’s a good match?

    Because, as I drew out the (purely hypothetical) situation, what happened was that someone told me a couple of months ago about this girl they think I should go out with (which has happened plenty of times already), and then, down the line, when I will actually be dating, someone will bring up that name again, and voila, there you have two people who thought of it, independently.

    Do the girls on your list (whether literal or mental) have to be mentioned by two people to make it on

    Absolutely not! That would be a weird requirement, especially for a list that’s not even real. As I’ve said, it’s not what I would call a List, even a mental one; nobody doesn’t make it on. All it means is that whenever anyone suggests someone to me, I say “thanks, but I’m not dating yet,” but I still will remember the name if someone else suggests it down the line.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shidduch Dating: Informal « In Search of the Real Deal - May 26, 2010

    […] (i.e. Is he single? Is he looking? What is he doing? To get a better idea of this process a personal account of it), and see where it goes from […]

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