101 Reasons Not to Get Married

24 Feb

Sterngrad did an interesting post of 101 reasons why she wants to get married. I must say, that’s quite an accomplishment. Thinking of 101 of anything (besides Dalmatians) is asking a lot of the human mind. That’s why we stick to Top 10 lists (and even those are hard to work with sometimes).

Yet I, the fearless Coral Cap, have decided to put my own spin on the 101 Reasons list. You see, there are plenty of happy dappy reasons to get married, but there are also reasons NOT to get married. I am making this list because as a young woman “in the parsha,” I know the pressures put on young, Orthodox singles to get married.  Many of these pressures are not forced upon us, they are ones we have accepted upon ourselves. For example, there is a subliminal belief that part of a Stern girl’s  duties as a Yeshiva University student is to find a husband by the end of her senior year. Yes, I know there are plenty of Stern girls who don’t fall into this category, but let’s be honest, the ideal exists. There is no denying that at a certain point, it feels like all your friends are finding the Real Deal while you’re kinda just scratching your head wondering how this is happening so fast. This can apply outside the Stern world as well. I don’t see Touro or TI  girls going any slower. You’ll find young-marrieds at Queens, Brooklyn, and various other colleges and programs in New York. The bottom line is, marriage can start looking like a fashionable trend rather than a life altering decision even if you know the truth. I’m writing this post NOT because I am cynical about marriage (I’m not), but rather to remind myself and my readers that:

a) There is what to appreciate about being single and

b) marriage is serious business, even though you’re floating on the wings of love, happier than you’ve ever been before, so much so you find yourself smiling at completely inappropriate times.

101 Reasons Not to Get Married

1. Weddings are hard to plan

2. Weddings require lots of money

3. You have to make a guest list

4. Making a guest list means choosing who to invite and who not to invite

5. Choosing who to invite and who not to invite means unintentionally insulting people

6. Married life requires money

7. Undergraduate students don’t usually have much of that

8. Not everyone has parents who can fund a newly married couple

9. You have to make your own meals

10. You have to mop your own floors

11. You have to vacuum every week instead of never (oh you dormers know what I’m talking about)

12. You really do have to change the sheets every other week

13.  Dorm life can’t last forever, so why not enjoy it while you have it

14. The toilet seat will resume an upward position

15.  No more sneakily drinking out of the OJ carton-  it’s just not honest

16. If I end up marrying someone just because I want to fit in, I could end up miserable a few years down the line

17. I’m not sure what will happen to my health insurance

18. I’ll have to move my Hadaya ring to another finger since I wear it on my left middle finger and it just won’t look good next to a diamond ring and a band.

19. I won’t be able to PMS freely since doing so might scare my husband away

20. PMS is not a valid excuse for not wanting to do dishes or laundry like it was with my mother

21. PMS just isn’t a good excuse for anything. I’m a grownup now, deal with it

22. No more spontaneous trips to faraway cities

23. Doing homework becomes a privilege not the priority

24. No more sleep over parties with the girls

25. You can’t bring your husband to karaoke night

26. No time for fun extracurriculars like Model UN, Mock Trial and the shuffleboard club

27.  No more being a counselor at camp

28. I might expect to feel whole and thus, always happy

29. No more killing roaches

30. No more taking out the garbage

31. No more de-plunging the toilet

32. No more doing the man-jobs I’ve proudly mastered because it’s his job to be the man

33.  Because I don’t want to do it just because everyone else is

34. Being an ezer kinegdo is real work, not just some fluffy idea and I want to actually be responsible enough to take on that privilege before I take it

35. I am naturally stubborn and thus go at my own pace (sometimes to my detriment)

36. My body is not my own anymore

37. I’ll have that huge lump in the back of my sheitel if I want to keep my hair long

38. People will start looking at my stomach expectantly

39. No more bunking with NCSYers on shabbatons

40.  I might allow myself to believe that I don’t have to look my best anymore since I’m already “taken”

41. I hate having all attention on me – and that’s what a wedding is

42. Taharat HaMishpacha aint the walk in the park they make it sound like in seminary

43. To heck with social pressures!

44. Because marriage isn’t the be-all-and-end-all: Finding the right person is

45. People expect you to know how to cook

46. Fruit Loops are no longer a viable dinner option

47. Just because I will gladly eat leftover chicken and potato kugel until Wednesday night doesn’t mean my husband will

48. I’ll forget  how to be empathetic toward singles

49. I’ll have to start cutting my nails really short

50. Everyone will know whether I’m a niddah or not depending on whether I can put my arm around my husband in pictures or not

51. I might start posting photos of what I made for dinner on Facebook

52.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes morning sickness

53.  Kids means forgoing sleep for the next 20 or so years

54. People will start grabbing my left hand to get a look at my ring, as if it’s public property

55. I’ll have to break the news to my husband that jewelry doesn’t make everything better in his case because I don’t like jewelry

56. I’ll have to pretend I like jewelry (my Savti says I have to so he won’t feel bad)

57. I’ll have to stop watching football so he can while I watch the kiddos

58. I’ll have the yetzer hara to compare my marriage/life to my friend’s

59. If I marry for the sake of marrying I’ll always wonder “what if”

60. No more staying in the library til midnight, getting lost in a sea of literature

61. Solitude is harder to come by

62. Marriage isn’t a cure for loneliness. Even married people can feel lonely

63. I’m not looking to join a club, I’m looking for true friendship and partnership

64. I shouldn’t need just this to see Hashem in my life

65. Truth be told, sometimes I like sitting by myself at an ice cream parlor

66. I might be untrue to myself and compromise things I really care about just to be like everyone else

67. I’m shy about my singing voice and would rather not have to share it

68. Because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone

69. Most men don’t know what a DMC is and would rather not engage in one after a long day of work

70. I set people up now. I don’t need an MRS to make me a valid shadchan

71. B”H I can eat whatever I want now.

72.  I’d rather not fall off the face of the planet, thank you very much.

73.  Love doesn’t solve problems, actually, if you look in Tanach, it only causes more

74. That is why love isn’t a good enough reason to marry someone

75. Because you have a really cute story of how you met someone

76. What I think I need in a partner and what Hashem knows I need in a partner might be different. I’d rather marry what Hashem knows is best for me than be a “cute married person”

77. The wait makes that which you want so much even dearer

78.  Because Mom and Dad say so

79. Because everyone is asking you why you haven’t met anyone yet

80. Because being called picky is better than having a miserable marriage

81. Because you are in love with love

82. Because all your sisters got married by 21 so you have to also

83. Because everyone pegged you to be the first to go

84. Wanting a wedding is not a good enough reason to want to get married. If you want a big party, make one for your birthday

85.  Keeping up with the Jones’ is what puts people in debt who don’t have to be

86. So people tell you how “well” you did

87. Just because you’re the world’s best wife doesn’t mean he’ll make it any easier for you to wake him up for shachris

88. My secret stash of chocolate will be at risk of being discovered

89. Because he’s sooooo cuuuuttteeee

90. Because being a married lady is soooo cuuuutttteee

91. Because our kids would be soooo cuuuuttteee

92. If I don’t marry him then someone else will

93.  Spending all day in bed is not reality

94. Paying the bills is

95. Going on couples vacations- are those really fun or do people just like to take pictures so it just appears fun?

96. Thinking you’ll get more respect just because you cook, clean and take care of a man

97. Because you don’t want to be the last one single

98. Because you don’t believe Hashem has someone who truly compliments you

99. Because you have half your Onlysimchas page filled out and are impatient to fill out the other half

100. Because the mitpachot you bought in seminary X years ago have been sitting in your closet long enough

101. Because you sure as heck don’t want to be blogging about singlehood any longer

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9 Responses to “101 Reasons Not to Get Married”

  1. SternGrad February 25, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    I *LOVE* this post!!!! It is great. And it is truly impressive that you came up with 101 things. Although I can think of plenty of other reasons not to get married as well.

    My favorites from this post:
    #37. Yes! My hair will say long forever and I will have an ugly bump in the back of my sheitel!
    #50- so true.
    #55 & 56- yes! I don’t want to pretend I like jewelry…
    #72- Yup! I definitely don’t want to fall of the face of the planet
    #80- couldn’t have said it better.
    #88- yeah, no one better come near my chocolate. :)
    Though, I disagree with #19-21, PMS is always a valid excuse. :)

  2. Bluestocking February 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    Definitely interesting.

    But why is your future spouse, who I am sure you will make sure will be kind, considerate, respectful, etc, it painted in such demanding and selfish terms? A football hog? A dinner demander? An attention addict? A clean freak (especially considering what I know about most males’ idea of personal hygiene)?

    While of course many young people marry quickly, and quite a few have less than noble motivations, and there are enough of those who are also a little loud and obnoxious about their respective shmoopies, that is not the fault of the institution of marriage.

    Sure, I wanted to smother the engaged couple that walked around together during the wedding meal because it wasn’t mixed seating, but that is not the norm (and I can bet it’s going to get old reeeeeaaaal fast). Married individuals, if they have good self esteem, can still partake of extracurricular activities sans spouse, and still know they have a good marriage. You can still go to karaoke night.

    And who knows? Maybe you will meet your Prince, and he will be all you think about and you’ll use that annoying high pitched voice when talking about him and you’ll revel in every second of your wedding and gush to your friends about his magnificent qualities.

    The thing is, you are more aware and more real than many. And that’s a good thing. It’s all about knowing yourself, and seeing your motivations clearly. But marriage doesn’t have to be thrown under the bus. Yours will just mean more than most.

    • Coral Cap February 28, 2011 at 12:33 am #

      Sterngrad- Thanks for the inspiration for this post!

      Bluestocking- I didn’t write this post as a means of dissing the instiution of marriage. I still believe in it and want it for myself, however, I want to make sure that when I decide to commit myself to it, I’m in it for the right reasons. The post ended up being a mix of why not to rush into marriage and what is lost once one marries. There are special things about being single that we take for granted while still single. For example, having a sleepover with your girl friends. As my friends steadily marry off (BH) I realize, I’m never going to have that with them again. That’s the way it should be but it’s a huge change in life none-the-less.

      I thank you greatly for your compliments of my being aware and real. That’s what I try to be – real. May G-d grant me and all of us the strength to be so.

  3. Laurel March 23, 2011 at 1:42 am #

    Sterngrad wrote that it’s pathetic to eat in restaurants alone. I used to agree. You wrote that you enjoy being in an ice cream parlor alone.

    I’m single and only recently did I not only get over my fear of eating alone, I came to relish it. I’d chose somewhere I knew no one I knew would come, and once I sat down I joyfully ordered whatever I wanted to, without shame about calories or ringing up someone else’s bill. In fact last month I went so far as to treat myself to one of L.A.’s most upscale places, ordering a matching drink for each course. (Aviation Cocktail first, redi wine w/the appetizer & entree, then a dessert moscato to compliment the dessert I ordered.) I can’t think of a guy–out of all those I’ve dated–who’d not judge me in some manner, for that! Oh, and did I mention I then went upstairs to the Walt Disney Hall to see one of L.A.’s best new bands, Local Natives? No. And what guy would be able to come up w/a date as amazing and ideal as that, huh? None on the shidduch circuit, that’s for sure!

    • Coral Cap March 23, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      You go, Laurel! Eating by yourself really can be quite nice sometimes. It sounds like you enjoyed that small pleasure to the fullest. I find that I come up with amazing dates as well- and inexpensive ones not to mention. I find that if you are able to enjoy the time you have alone with yourself, you’re more enjoyable to be around with others. Great comment! Thank you!

  4. mya August 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    hahahahahaahhahaah i luv this…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pro Blogger News - February 25, 2011

    101 Reasons Not To Get Married…

    [...]I am making this list because as a young woman ?in the parsha,? I know the presures put on[...]…

  2. Reasons To (Not) Get Married « Bad for Shidduchim - March 9, 2011

    [...] just got back into the blog-reading thing. So, SternGrad lists 101 reasons to get married, to which CoralCap replies with 101 reasons not to. Harryer says he’s given up on figuring out why to get married, he’s just doing it [...]

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